Mama – A letter to you.

Dear Mama,

(scroll to bottom for slideshow)

I have put off writing this because to me it feels so final, as though once I’ve written it, your leaving will be real.  But it is real, whether I put off writing this or not. 

I spoke to you the day before you died, and for the first time ever, I had to carry the conversation.  You could no longer speak.  I wanted to say so much to you, but I didn’t want you to know that I knew you were dying.  So I didn’t say everything I wanted to tell you, but I hope you knew it.  I hope when I told you that I loved you for the last time in this world, that you felt it and that you always knew it.

I will never forget the moment you became my hero.  I don’t know if you remember, but I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was in the bathtub and you and my mom were getting me and my brothers dressed for carnival.  My mom was losing patience with me because I didn’t want to wear the costume.  I was being difficult.  I slipped and fell and hit my head and started to cry.  I will never forget how you got so mad at my mom for yelling at me.  You marched right up to her…and before I knew what was happening…BAP BAP BAP!! WOW! I couldn’t believe it, someone could actually put my mom in her place. (Sorry mom, I thoroughly enjoyed it!)  As a 4/5 year old, I think my jaw dropped to the ground as I stood in awe of you.  You took me in your arms, and let me cry.  (I am pretty sure I was embellishing at this point, but you didn’t care). You let me cry, all the while giving my mom dirty looks.  I fell more in love with you that day, and you became my hero.  Someone who would always be on my side.  Someone who only saw the good in me…even if I didn’t necessarily deserve it. 

You gave me confidence when I had none.  For as long as I could remember, you called me Ms. Universe.  Everytime you introduced me to someone you said with confidence and pride, “this is the next ms. universe”.  You said it with such conviction, I actually remember believing it.  I’ll never forget the day, after Charlaine came along, I heard you tell my mom that Charlaine was going to be the next Ms. Universe.  I was devastated.  I waited til later when I had the courage to ask you “Mama, I thought I was going to be the next Ms. Universe”.  You didn’t miss a beat.  You said “My dear, all my granddaughters will be Ms. Universe”.  hmm…quick thinking, because even though I left still a little suspicious, I was  happy with your answer, contented that you still thought I was your Ms. Universe too.   

I remember sneaking through your closets when you weren’t looking, because I loved to look at your clothes and your old photos.  If I found something I wanted,  I’d sneak past my parents to get to you and ask you if I could have whatever it was I had my eye on.   My parents would want to know what I was asking you, but you always  kept it to yourself.  You would march me back into your room, straight to the closet and say “Elaine , dushi, you can have it, what else do you want my dear? Take it. It’s yours”.      You always gave to me, that’s just who you were and I don’t think if I lived another lifetime I could give you as much as you gave me.

I remember when you would come visit us here in Canada,  how anxious it made my mom.  She wanted everything to be perfect for you.  I want you to know those times you came to see us, were some of my most favourite memories.  It was like you brought magic to our house.  You made my mom so happy.  It was like she became someone else when you were around.  Don’t get me wrong she was happy, but you brought with you something that no one could give my mom, and I can’t even explain it.  But you know, because I could see the same thing in you when you saw her.  You brought my dad happiness too.  I was always happy to see my dad around you.  You took over where his mom left off I think.  Never letting him get out of line and loving him as though he were your own.  To me and my brothers you brought us boxes and boxes of presents, but once the presents were opened and done, you brought us so much more.  You brought us the best present we could ask for…days with just you.  You told us stories.  You often talked about the book you wanted to write.  I made you tell me the story about the hat your dad bought you over and over, because when you told that story, I could see a twinkle in your eye.  I know now what the twinkle was now, because I have it in my eyes, when I think about you.  When you would leave to go back to Aruba, the house was just not the same.  Life went on, but the magic you brought left when you left.  I know your heart broke just as much as ours everytime we said our goodbyes at the airport.  I hated the goodbyes at the airport cause I never knew when/if I would see you again.

I remember visiting you in Aruba.  You are the reason that my dad told me he loved me for the first time.  I don’t know if you know it, but it’s true.  Everyone was fighting and you were so fed up with the whole thing, you fainted.  Everyone stopped fighting, and we immediately called the dr.  I remember visiting you in your bed after the Dr left, and thinking again.  Wow, my hero! How she can get a room full of cackling people to stop what they’re doing on a dime.  I always felt maybe you over dramatized your “fainting” and I never cared, because it worked.  You got everyone to forget what we were fighting about in the first place, and somehow telling each other how much we loved them.  Magic.

Mama, I never got to tell you with words that you are my hero.  But I hope you saw it in my eyes when I looked at you.  I never felt unloved a second I was in your company and I hope on some level I did the same for you.   There were so many things I wanted to ask you before you went.  So many things I wanted to say. I wanted to hear you laugh one more time, watch you dance one more time, listen to one of your stories one more time.  Be with you, one more time.  Hug you one more time. 

I love you Mama.  May your leg be cast free, your body cancer free, may you eat a beautiful meal with God and talk his ear off and may you dance like no one is watching…and whatever you do, save me a spot on the dance floor with you. 

Love,  your Ms. Universe.

Me

 (Directions for my mom 😉 who isn’t computer savvy. Please give the slideshow time to load, and watch it in full screen by clicking the box on the bottom right. It will enlarge the view.)